Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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