but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
where are my eyebrows?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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