btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
