You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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