I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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