Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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