My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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