Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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