It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
