Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
