Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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