i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
