I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I just googled if crying burns calories
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
