remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
