ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
