Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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