He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
