Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
nutella sex= disaster
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
