i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize