I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
