WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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