I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Randomize
