last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
