The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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