Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
My vagina is officially offended.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
