i don't like sucking hair
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize