You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
