she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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