Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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