Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
