I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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