i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
