if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
