Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
