Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
