I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
