I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
