dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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