Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
home. puking in laundry basket.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize