Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize