i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
