I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
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