stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
