Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
