you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Everyone says I win the strip club
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize