Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
