some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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