Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
