i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
