my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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