So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
