So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
