Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
