I'm gonna have a badass scar
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
