I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
