At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Randomize
