when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
