Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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