walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
