So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
