my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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