I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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