Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
