Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
