Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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