Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
