Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
