Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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