Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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