1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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