No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
