Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
