I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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