i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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